Possible Reactions To Abusive Actions

All abuse will cause you emotional and other issues at the time of the abuse, the issues from the abuse can also follow you into your relationship, marriage, and even into your parenting. 

What can you do? 

The first thing you have to realize is that the once you are away from the abuser/s and with someone else that they are not the one who caused you the pain you are /had and/or are having. Many times even though we feel we trust the one we may currently be with, we could be secretly waiting for them to attack and hence cause us issues in that relationship due to our own fears. We become so defensive with them that we react to what isn't even happening at the time. That is not to say that we are crazy, but that our fears are not allowing us to enjoy being with someone and being happy. One may tend to be withdrawn more than one should be, one may also be overly clingy in fear of being left, there are so many scenarios that could cause us to subconsciously sabotage our relationships and our own happiness and relationships. We need to deal with what happened to us in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone in our lives be it a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, children or others. I know there are still times that triggers will bring back a memory or even a flood of memories of my abusers. It can be a simple word, a smell, a sound, someone looking like one of my abusers or even should I see one of them in public, that is not to say I run in fear because now I don't I can now see them and not panic, but it does at times cause a waves of inner emotions, but I am still able to walk and hold my head high in spite of their past actions. I mentioned it can cause issues in our parenting and you ask how is that?  Well if you ave unresolved issues and pain from the past it cause you to be less patient, more verbal and perhaps even using a higher pitch in your voice than normal,that is not to say you are abusing your children it just means you may need to take a minute and take a breath before continuing what you were doing at the time. It is better if you are having a flashback and feeling anxious to step back and calm down. Don't let your reactions to cause you to do a negative action be it verbal or otherwise. tcc                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

We Need To Speak Out And Reach Out...

It needs to be brought to light in the public arena's as well as churches. People would be surprised how many who sit in church are being abused, I know because when I married we both went to church together but no one there knew once we left the church how verbally assaulting he was and how he later was going to kill me.. Now that is not to say all who go to church are abusers, it is just an example that there are those there who are abusers and those who have been or are being abused. I have thought for many years that  perhaps classes at church that offer encouragement and support for those who have been or are being abused whatever the form of abuse may be should be implemented. If the church doesn't have the means to have classes could at least touch on the subject at times during the regular services with an offer to listen to someone privately if needed and to provide, flyers, brochures, contacts for support. Domestic violence isn't just in adults but also in teens dating so we need to help both adults and teens from bullying and domestic violence as well as sexual abuse and other forms of abuse.  tcc

You Can't Love Someone Enough To Make Them Change

You can't change anyone period, you can't love them enough to have them want to change, although you can be a positive influences in their lives to help them see there is a better way. (That is not to say if you are in an abusive situation that you should stay, if that is the case and you can safely get out then please do get out.) Change comes from the inside of a person wanting to change, not from others trying to change them.
They have to change themselves... tcc

Don't Let Others Make you Feel Bad About Yourself...

Do not let others words/actions make you feel bad about yourself for being in or having been in an abusive relationship/marriage. It's one thing for someone to feel frustrated and concerned about not being able to make those they love realize they need to get out of that abusive situation, but being frustrated and concerned doesn't give them the right to belittle you and make rude comments about you. People will say things such as, Well you sure can pic them can't you, or You must be stupid to You've made bad choices about men so you should never marry again. I myself have heard those as well as many more over the years and I must say it cuts like a knife through your emotions, I already know I've made bad choices in men and in staying as long as I did, that is true, however it doesn't make me stupid,nor does it mean I should spend the rest of my life alone. They mean well in their concern it's just that they just need to learn what to say and what not to say in expressing that concern. So even though we made/make bad choices be it about those in our lives or other things it doesn't mean we should be made to feel like we are unworthy of love and respect...

Release Your Pain Through Tears Without Losing Yourself...

There are times we all need to cry and it helps to release the pain we are feeling, just be careful not to let the tears and pain consume you.... tcc

Ride The Waves Through Your Tears, Don't Drown In Them...

There are times we all need to cry and  it helps to release the pain we are feeling, just be careful not to let the tears and pain consume you.... tcc

There Will Come A Time In Your Life When You No Longer Deal With Your Abuse Through Tears And Tears

There will come a time in your life when you no longer deal with your abuse through fears and tears, you will be able to walk and talk with your head held high and strong. I am now able to talk about it without fears and tears. There are some however think I don't deal with it because I am not always upset over what happened to me, the think is that's wrong I have dealt with it and that is why I am able to not be in total fear and tears all the time. I spent years not dealing with the sexual abuse and domestic violence and I didn't handle it well it and it showed on my daily life and in raising my children. I was hurt, angry, bitter, resentful etc and then a few years ago my heart changed and I don't have to have those feelings daily, now that's not to say at times I don't still have to ask God not to let me start feeling those things again or if they are already there due to a trigger that set them off in my heart again. It took me years to get to that point and I don't ever want to go back to that point even if it means others think I have just swept it under the rug. I have seen my sexual abusers when out in public over the years and I now can stand strong and not run and hide every time
 as I once did. tcc

Just Because You Can't See Your Dreams In The Natural Yet, Doesn't Mean You Still Can't Obtain Them...

If you are struggling to see what God has planned for you and you feel it isn't within reach, then I ask you read these scriptures and rethink it. Our dreams are still possible even if it means they take longer. Don't give up on your dreams even if they seem unattainable, God is a one who makes the impossible, possible, if we just have faith the size of a mustard see and if we believe without doubting.. Dreams have no age limit and no expiration...

Matthew 17:20

And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Matthew 19:26

But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.
Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the thoughts that I think towards you. say's the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil..to give you a future and a hope..                                        

Jeremiah 33:3

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Hab. 2:3

For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
                                                                                                                    Heb. 11:1     
                                                                                                
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.     
                                                                                                                    Rom. 4:17 
As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.

It Shouldn't Be A Competition

Are you in a relationship/marriage or have others that you are in competition with? The it's time to realize it shouldn't be a competition. So true for many years I felt I had to compete with other women when I was with someone, then one day I realized there should be no competition, because if he loved me I would be the only one and I wasn't. This also goes for others in your life not just a spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. We shouldn't have to compete opposite anyone nor for anyone's attention. So don't let yourself be a part of the competition with another nor for anyone's attention. Be who you are without trying to be everyone they want. Do be safe in all you do including getting out of a DV situation or even if DV isn't an issue still be safe if you are going to get out of any relationship/marriage be it for adultery or whatever the reason. Safety should always be first in any given situation...

Abuse Isn't Always Physical

Abuse isn't always just physical, at times it even leaves out the physical hitting etc, instead some abusers rely on control, verbal assaults and dictation etc. They feed on making you feel like you are stupid, incompetent, hair brained, unlovable by anyone but them among many other things. Abuse can come from a spouse, a boyfriend, girlfriend, family member etc it knows no boundary until we set one for it by standing up for ourselves and saying No more abuses no matter who is doling it out. Be aware though that sing no can not always be done in the moment there are many times you must make plans to say no by making plans ahead of the no more plan by getting a support system of people and getting a plan for a safe escape. Safety for you and your children (if children are involved)

You Are Not Alone

If you are a survivor of abuse you are not alone there are thousands upon thousands who have been through it or are still going through abuse. If you are still in an abusive situation then I urge you to make a safe plan for escape asap, get a support system going before hand and do not let your abuser know you are even thinking of leaving. Safety first for you and your children should they be with you.

Not All Survivors Of Abuse Are Just Women ( Some Men Are Abused As Well)

Not enough is said to open others eyes that here is a percentage of men who are actually the abused and not the abuser. Many times they are too ashamed o step forward because being a man society has made them feel they are less than a man if they are being abused by a woman. Men and women alike feel less about themselves because society tells them they are weak, stupid, crazy for being with someone who is abusive, when it's not about that, it's about control, the abuser having control of their emotions, their self worth (the abuser leaves them feeling they have no self worth), it's about fear not only of the abuser but in many cases of being alone. now I realize many are sitting there saying WHAT? How can they be afraid of being alone when they are being abused, well many abusers convince the person that they are not worthy of anyone else love, that no one else would want them, that they are hair brained (as in my case that was one of the many things I was told) etc. Do not look at those in an  abusive relationship as stupid, but as human who feel prey to an abusers smooth talking in the beginning to his foul verbally assaulting mouth to his physically assaulting hands. You can never fully understand it unless you have been there. I know first hand, because I was there myself, not with just one man but with two who were physically/mentally/emotionally abusive and others who were mentally/emotionally abusive, etc... So if you see someone in an abusive relationship don't judge them whether they are a man or woman, instead offer to help if you can. If they refuse don't take it that they like being abused and in that situation, rather take it as they are not mentally ready yet to get out. Sadly many wait til it is too late. Many men and women are abused daily.. It's in my opinion almost at epidemic proportions now for both. tcc

You Are Not Your Past

Your past doesn't define you, how you are dealing with that past can make or break you. If we dwell on our bad choices they will consume us. Our choice to be with those who hurt us. Now that's not to say that their abusing us was our fault , because it wasn't. We choice to stay with them whether out of fear of retaliation from them via more abuse or death, whether it was because they convinced us we deserved what we got from them, that they convinced us we weren't good enough for anyone else that no one else would want damaged goods. Well I am here to tell you e are not damaged goods, because we are not a commodity, we are human beings and we have the right to expect respect in spite of our choices and our past situations. People will stop beating us up with their hands once we leave, however there are others who will continue to beat us up with their words if we continue to allow them to. We can choose to listen to their harsh words or we can choose to tell them that what you say to others about me I cannot put a stop to, but what you say to me I can put a stop to by refusing to allow them to continue it. We have a choice we can stay and listen or we can refuse to. When we have made a change for the better then our past is just that the past. Stand proud (not arrogantly) stand firm, (not rudely) stand strong, (not bitter) and you will see and feel a difference in yourself even of others refuses to see it. tcc

Abuse Comes In Many Forms

Abuse comes in many forms some inflicted by others and some inflicted by ourselves as in my case over eating due to trauma in my life. I had to realize that although others may be a part of the reason they are not an excuse for me to over eat. I did it as a comfort, not because I was actually hungry. Are we bad and disgusting people for emotional eaters? I say no, we are a hurting people and once we learn to move forward we will grow emotionally and less physically from over eating. Now if you are working on this and find you still at times binge, please don't beat yourself up emotionally over it. Keep moving forward. Don't starve yourself either. I don't diet, I just try not to overeat, have I still done that at times when stress hits, yes I have, however I don't do it every time I am stressed now. See my progress at
http://tchristi41.blogspot.com/ I will be updated as I can.

Words vs Physical Assualts

Both verbal and physical assaults hurt and they can both cause a lifetime of pain, however we must choose to live as survivors of both and not as victims of them. I speak from experience as I am a survivor of both and after years of living as a victim of my past hurts both verbal and physical I have finally been able to learn to live a survivor and I am now living through my past and not living in it. These attacks can come for many different reasons and from the same or different people, sexual assault as a child and/or an adult, etc. Do not allow the abuse to define you... tcc

See Your Changes Even If Others Refuse Too See Them...

There will be times in your life when others refuse to see the pain you've gone through in life (be it physical and/or emotional) and to see how hard you have worked to change yourself and the bad choices you've made over the years. It doesn't make what you've done to change any less valuable. Don't allow the negative words/actions of others keep you from moving forward with the changes you are making in your life. Do your best to be your best. Keep doing your best to do what is right...