Many do not realize the mental and physical control an abuser has over his/her victims. The stress, pain, hurt, self doubt, lack of self worth and more that the victim feels while with the abuser. They tear their victims to shreds with words and convince them they don't deserve better as well as the physical pain most abusers inflict. It isn't as easy to walk away as some may think, as many are terrified to leave afraid of being hurt/killed or their children being hurt/killed. Many times the abusers convinces the victim they have changed and many of them use religion ( I am a Christian and was married to an abusive man who used the church to hide behind) as a front that they have changed and the victim goes back in hopes the person changed and in a rare occasion they may have, but I have learned from experience they don't all change. So many look down on the victims as losers, enablers, stupid etc., but unless others have been through it hey can't even begin to realize what the victim went through. And even when we get out we wonder how we could have stayed and put ourselves and our children through it and when we see others in what we were once in we should say get out, but many times the victims stays in like we did until the breaking point if it isn't too late.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Overcoming The Obtacles in Life That Come At You
We can overcome the obstacles and hurts of this world with God's love and help, some of those may be including but not limited to the domestic violence, obesity, self hate, others hate, insecurities, just to name a few. We can overcome and stop being victims and start being survivors of life and people. We can choose to live as we have or live as we should and overcome these obstacles in life. Overcoming isn't always easy, however I am proof it can happen and that you too can overcome living in a relationship of domestic violence, overcome the perils of being sexually abused as a child, overcome obesity, self hate, hate of others, bitterness and so much more. We must choose to step forward and out of the relationships and things in life that are controlling us. An abuser will convince us that we are weak and unworthy of better, but I am here to tell you that you are stronger then they or you think and that you are worthy of better. Stand for yourself even though they stand against you. Do not let the brokenness they have caused keep you broken, you can mend and heal. By tcc
Words An Abuser Uses To Keep A Hold On You
When living in domestic violence the abuser will tell you what he thinks you need/want to hear as well as things to blame you for their actions/words to include but not limited to the following, Things you want/need to hear may be, I'm sorry honey I promise it will never happen again, It was an accident, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it that way, don't cry baby it will all be okay, I can't make it without you baby,... Now the way he/she will blame you... It's your fault, you always know how to push my buttons, I told you to stop that but no you just had to do what you wanted, what do you expect when you dress like that (even though you may be dressed for church he/she will use that), you know how mad I get yet, if you leave and I kill myself then it will be your fault because you didn't stay and try, among thousands of their things an abuser will use to try to scare and manipulate you into ... None of things are acceptable, the things you may feel you need to hear are generally lies they tell you to keep you holding on and the things they blame on you also is too keep you holding on... Do not stay out of guilt, make a safe plan without the abuser knowing what you are doing, get a support group of family/friends to help you make the safe plan. by tcc Please check out the following site for help and apps to help keep you safe and get help https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Do Not Let The Abuse You Have Endured Define You
Do not let the abuse you have endured define you whether you are a male or female being abused. You choose who you are not your abuser, don't let that person convince you that you are unworthy, unattractive, ignorant, unable to make your own decisions, etc. Those plus many other things are what abusers will try to convince you is the truth. They will belittle you and make you feel unworthy of anyone else's love but it is all lies. Those of who were abused and those who are still being abused need to know that they/you are not alone and that you are not the negative things an abuser says. You are better than what they say you were/are, you just have to believe it. If you are being abused, please get a support system of family and friends and make a plan to get yourself and your children out (if you have children) out safely. So again do not let the abuse you endured define you, instead you define who you are and what you will and won't allow in your and your children's lives, relationships. I wish I had chosen better before when my children were younger when I was with their now ex step dad who was abusive. I can change that I was with him and had him around my children, but I can choose to be more careful in whom I allow in my life and that of my children/grandchildren. Be selective and be careful.
By Teresa Causey-Christian tcc
By Teresa Causey-Christian tcc
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Some People Say To Forget And To Forgive...
Some people say to forget and to forgive, yet forgiving is much easier for me than forgetting. Rather than looking at the past as something I should forget I look at it as a tool to help others to know that they too can survive their past and hopefully their present if they make a choice to safely get out of the situation. I cannot say 100% that all who leave will still be safe, but they may a better chance of survival. You must also make plans for a safe exist in an abusive relationship/marriage. Once out be aware of your surroundings. It may take time to forgive but when you do it will help you to heal. Forgiving benefits you spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. It will in my opinion release their emotional control over you once you are away from the abuser. So please forgive and if the memories are still present allow them to be a postive tool to show others how far you have come and to help others.
Pain Changes People, You Must Choose How It Changes You...
Pain changes people, but the change for the worst or better is up to
you.. Don't let it control you or make your bitter and angry instead use
it to grow and help others... tcc
Monday, September 16, 2013
Stand Strong
Some may break our hearts, but they can't break our spirits,
they may reject and replace us, but they can never find one who will love them as we do,
they may ignore us and be silent to try to cause us pain, but they can't take away our worth
they can do many things but we can choose to keep allowing it to happen
or we can stop them by ignoring their efforts
Do not give way to others words and/or actions or the lack thereof
We must keep standing strong even when we and/or others may think we will fall
they may reject and replace us, but they can never find one who will love them as we do,
they may ignore us and be silent to try to cause us pain, but they can't take away our worth
they can do many things but we can choose to keep allowing it to happen
or we can stop them by ignoring their efforts
Do not give way to others words and/or actions or the lack thereof
We must keep standing strong even when we and/or others may think we will fall
Sunday, September 15, 2013
We All Have Dreams And Even At Nearly 53 I Still Have Dreams I Want To Fulfill...
I
was thinking about one of my dreams to become a public speaker to
include but not limited to the subjects of childhood sexual abuse,
domestic abuse as well as mental and emotional abuse, homelessness and
obesity plus other areas I have experienced myself all of which I am a
survivor of... I would also love to be able to find a way to start
programs for those who are also going through those things and/or are
survivors and through it already. I have several dreams and I want my
children and family to be proud of me. Right now I have not done any of
the above per sey, but I do talk to people I meet in a day to day basis
and try to encourage them and pray for them... I am standing on the following scriptures to include but not limited to Jer. 29:11 Jer. 33:3 Hab. 2:3 and Heb. 11:1 Rom. 8:28
Abuse Knows No Boundaries However Help Is Available
Abuse know no social boundaries, it can happen in low income families as well as middle class and upper class families. Abuse is an enemy that "seems" to but doesn't always come without warning, all things can seem to be wonderful and going well and then it all changes and we ask ourselves why didn't we see the warning signs., Many times we saw the warning signs but we didn't recognize them as such or maybe we did recognize them, but thought we could love the person enough to help them change or perhaps there were no warning signs at all. The depends on the individual abuser whether or not you will see and or recognize the signs. It can start off with him/her seeming jealous over people and things that they shouldn't, you spending time with family and friends, including your own children whether young or adults, it can even be you dressing nice to go to church. They may then also start making verbal digs at and to you such as telling you that your choices are stupid and/or hair brained, that you don't know what you're talking about no matter what it is. They may tell you that no one but them will ever love you that you deserve what they say and do. They may cry ans say they're sorry only to do it again over and over and over and each time crying and/or apologizing. They will blame you for their anger, their pain and their choices when in fact it isn't your fault. They will degrade and humiliate you alone and in front of others ( if they become bold enough) many abusers are hiders they hide what they are doing to you and they know that you too will hide and deny the abuse thinking you can love them enough that they will stop or because you are too afraid to tell others for fear for your life and your families lives and/ or from shame. We hide it for one reason or another, but then there has to come a day that we become strong enough to get us and our children away from them and stay away. Abuse is such an ugly demon and it affects both men and women. Yes there are men who are in fact not the abusers but the victims of abuse and they too need to know they can be survivors and get out. Actually in my opinion not enough is told about men being victims of abuse. We need to not categories all males as abusers and realize some of them are just like us victims when it happens but we can and are survivors after the fact. Learn and know the signs before it's too late and if you're already in a marriage/relationship where little the things he/she does is tugging at you that or the little things have already turned into larger an violent things, then please heed that warning you're feeling/seeing and seek help and support and when it's safe please get you and your children if you have any and get out. Trust me when I say you cannot love someone enough and be good enough to and for them that they will stop and change. Other signs of abuse: He or she may do one or all of the following to include but not limited to:
| Has a bad and unpredictable temper |
||||||||||
| Hurts you, or threatens to hurt or kill you | ||||||||||
| Threatens to take your children away or harm them | ||||||||||
| Threatens to commit suicide if you leave | ||||||||||
| Forces you to have sex | ||||||||||
Destroys your belongings
|
You Can Become A Survivor Of Your Victimization
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, domestic abuse, emotional/mental abuse and self abuse and for nearly 2 1/2 years my children and I were homeless when they were younger (they are all now grown) via severe obesity at one time I was 350 pounds and I have lost 156 pounds so far. I lived as a victim long after I was victimized because I didn't know how to deal with what had happened and because some felt it shouldn't bother me, well let me tell you did bother me and did hurt and it did bring down my own self esteem and it made me feel dirty and ashamed, but now I use all those feelings I used to have as a basis strength. How can I do that you may ask. Well I even though the memories of what happened never leave me they no longer control me, I no longer feel dirty and ashamed for what they did to me, I now can say what they meant to weaken me has now made me stronger in many ways with God's help. God has given me the courage to speak out about it and to use it to help others locally say in those I meet on the streets, in stores, in church etc and my hope it so be able to become a public speaker on these things giving God the glory for bringing me through those times to help others. I would also like to write books encouraging others by my stories to know that they can become a survivor and stop living as a victim when they are strong enough. We can use our past pains as stepping stones to get to happier times in our lives. Many things in my life affected me for many years in my relationships and in raising my children which in also affected my children because I was sad, bitter and angry at what happened to me as a child and as an adult and I became so depressed and that and my attitude affected my children, then I married a man who was an abuser. The abuse didn't start right away, it was gradual with mental and emotional abuse which later evolved into him going to kill me. I got away but then 6 months later he convinced me he had changed and I fell for it all and married him not a good choice at all. That affected my children in a way they should have never been affected and it has strained our relationship with my younger two due to my relationship with him at the time. It took me years to realize that I cannot love someone enough to make them a good, loving and kind person they either want to be that or they don't but we can't help them when they don't want the help.I never wanted my children hurt in any way from my choices of being with him or anything else yet it has hurt them and hurt our relationship and that is my fault not anyone else. I love my children more than words can say and I am sorry that my choices had such negative affects on them and as much as I wish I could change my bad past choices in who I allowed in my and my children's lives, but I can't and even though I have tried to make up for them and to my children I have come to realize that I can't make it up and that is heartbreaking. My hope is that someday soon my children can forgive me. I have apologized to them and have done my best the past several years to make better choices. Abusers fault vs my fault is that my childhood sexual abuse I had no control over however my obesity I had a choice but wasn't strong enough to make the right choice for a long time. The depression was the apart of me that couldn't deal with what had happened to em as a child and as an adult and that is something God is helping me with, oh there are days I feel sad and cry still but those days are not as often as they were. God finally gave me the strength 6 years ago to leave my then husband (my children's step dad) since then it has been me and God. I want you to know that you can become a survivor and not have to be down trodden and beaten physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise. You don't have to inflict pain upon yourself because of your choices or others choices concerning you, that you can stand up for yourself and respect yourself even when others don't respect you because they won't let go of the past and use it for good rather than to use it as a bad reminder of what you've gone through. I am here if you need to talk on the open page or privately inbox. God is there even when others aren't around always remember that. When I am feeling overwhelmed or unsure of things, God always brings these scriptures to my remembrance. He first one reminds me that He said He will work all things for the good, so that includes the good, the bad, sad and hurtful things, so when I know that no matter what I am going through He already has it worked out. The second one tells me that He already knows His plans for me for good and not evil. The third one tells me that when I call out to Him that He will will show me great and mighty things I never could imagine as does the fourth it also tells me that my dreams can still be reached when the time is right. The fifth one shows me that faith and hope go hand in hand that you can't have one without the other and that even though we don't see the end results of our prayers He will answer and give us an answer whether the answer is yes or no and that even when the answer is yes I may have to wait a little while for it. Look at Jacob the angel fought 21 days to get through but he made it. tcc Rom. 8:28 Jer 29:11 Jer. 33:3 Hab 2:3 Heb. 11:1
Thursday, September 12, 2013
EOP's (Emergency Protective Order) Are Good When They Are Enforced, Sometimes Though They Alienate And Challenge the Abuser... So Please Be Careful Even With An EPO And Watch Your Surroundings...
Sometimes
I think and EPO just alienated the abuser and pushes him to see how far
he/she can go before getting caught, it's like it's a challenge. My ex
didn't even get arrested even when I called the police several different
times when he broke the EPO (Emergency Protective Order). and I had
proof. They said they had to see him near me or hurting me. I explained
the EPO stated he was in violation if he
contacted me even via a phone, letter, etc which he did multiple times.
Nor did they arrest him the night he attacked me and took the phone
from me several times while I was talking to the 911 operator. When the
police did show they informed me that if they went and out to look for
him and found him and if he had even one bruise on him they would come
back and arrest me as well ( he had of course left long before the
police arrived). I couldn't believe what I was hearing when the 911
operator heard the things he was saying to me and that he kept taking
the phone and hanging up on her yet the police would arrest me as well
if he had any bruises. I am not saying not to file an EPO I am saying be
careful either way if you do or don't. So many of DV laws need to be
changed or at the least on some amended to stop protecting the abuser.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Past Abuses And Past Bad Choices Can't Be Changed, But We Can...
As
a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (by multiple males at different
times ), and as a survivor of adulthood domestic abuse (two marriages were physically violent they were also abusive verbally and emotionally), others were verbally and emotionally abusive etc. I am also a survivor of self abuse via severe obesity that took me to at one time weighing at least 350 pounds (after a time I stopped weighing myself because I didn't want to to know how much I weighed) and I have now loss 156 pounds, (haven't weighed myself in a couple of months so will do that soon and see where I am on the scale). I am "not
opposed" to others choosing surgery to
help) I was/am an emotional eater so I have be careful not to gain it
back and I haven't thank God ( although over the past 12 years my weight has gone up and down at the to 20 pounds mark, but no more than that, then there was a time we where homeless (for nearly 2 1/2 yrs when
my children we younger) and then there was a time I drank to mask the pain
of things I had gone through from childhood to adulthood including the new things I was going through. I was
also married to a man who had four distinct voices other than his own
and 44 names. I would like to be a counselor/public speaker/author in
all of those areas, because I have been there and I survived. I have
started blogs here on www.blogspot.com besides this one, they are on my weight loss and parenting and the choices we make as parents both good and bad and how those choices can and do affect our children ( trust me our good and bad choices do affect our children I know mine have both my good and bad choices. I hope someday my children will forgive me for my bad choices and begin to remember more of my good choices and that they always know that even though I failed at times that I have never stopped l loving them and wanting them in my life. I also write on Facebook about what I have gone through in hopes of encouraging others that they too can stop living as victims and start
living as survivors, that they can stop living in the past and the pain and
start living through it. I have also been encouraging other survivors to
blog about it because when we encourage others we also encourage
ourselves so it is a win-win situation.. I am also wanting to write
books and become a public speaker on those subjects should God choose to
open any of those doors for me and if He doesn't then it only because
He has other plans for me.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Possible Reactions To Abusive Actions
All abuse will cause you emotional and other issues at the time of the abuse, the issues from the abuse can also follow you into your relationship, marriage, and even into your parenting.
What can you do?
The first thing you have to realize is that the once you are away from the abuser/s and with someone else that they are not the one who caused you the pain you are /had and/or are having. Many times even though we feel we trust the one we may currently be with, we could be secretly waiting for them to attack and hence cause us issues in that relationship due to our own fears. We become so defensive with them that we react to what isn't even happening at the time. That is not to say that we are crazy, but that our fears are not allowing us to enjoy being with someone and being happy. One may tend to be withdrawn more than one should be, one may also be overly clingy in fear of being left, there are so many scenarios that could cause us to subconsciously sabotage our relationships and our own happiness and relationships. We need to deal with what happened to us in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone in our lives be it a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, children or others. I know there are still times that triggers will bring back a memory or even a flood of memories of my abusers. It can be a simple word, a smell, a sound, someone looking like one of my abusers or even should I see one of them in public, that is not to say I run in fear because now I don't I can now see them and not panic, but it does at times cause a waves of inner emotions, but I am still able to walk and hold my head high in spite of their past actions. I mentioned it can cause issues in our parenting and you ask how is that? Well if you ave unresolved issues and pain from the past it cause you to be less patient, more verbal and perhaps even using a higher pitch in your voice than normal,that is not to say you are abusing your children it just means you may need to take a minute and take a breath before continuing what you were doing at the time. It is better if you are having a flashback and feeling anxious to step back and calm down. Don't let your reactions to cause you to do a negative action be it verbal or otherwise. tcc
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
We Need To Speak Out And Reach Out...
It needs to be brought to light in the public arena's as well as churches. People would be surprised how many who sit in church are being abused, I know because when I married we both went to church together but no one there knew once we left the church how verbally assaulting he was and how he later was going to kill me.. Now that is not to say all who go to church are abusers, it is just an example that there are those there who are abusers and those who have been or are being abused. I have thought for many years that perhaps classes at church that offer encouragement and support for those who have been or are being abused whatever the form of abuse may be should be implemented. If the church doesn't have the means to have classes could at least touch on the subject at times during the regular services with an offer to listen to someone privately if needed and to provide, flyers, brochures, contacts for support. Domestic violence isn't just in adults but also in teens dating so we need to help both adults and teens from bullying and domestic violence as well as sexual abuse and other forms of abuse. tcc
You Can't Love Someone Enough To Make Them Change
You can't change anyone period, you can't love them enough to have them want to change, although you can be a positive influences in their lives to help them see there is a better way. (That is not to say if you are in an abusive situation that you should stay, if that is the case and you can safely get out then please do get out.) Change comes from the inside of a person wanting to change, not from others trying to change them.
They have to change themselves... tcc
They have to change themselves... tcc
Don't Let Others Make you Feel Bad About Yourself...
Do not let others words/actions make you feel bad about yourself for being in or having been in an abusive relationship/marriage. It's one thing for someone to feel frustrated and concerned about not being able to make those they love realize they need to get out of that abusive situation, but being frustrated and concerned doesn't give them the right to belittle you and make rude comments about you. People will say things such as, Well you sure can pic them can't you, or You must be stupid to You've made bad choices about men so you should never marry again. I myself have heard those as well as many more over the years and I must say it cuts like a knife through your emotions, I already know I've made bad choices in men and in staying as long as I did, that is true, however it doesn't make me stupid,nor does it mean I should spend the rest of my life alone. They mean well in their concern it's just that they just need to learn what to say and what not to say in expressing that concern. So even though we made/make bad choices be it about those in our lives or other things it doesn't mean we should be made to feel like we are unworthy of love and respect...
Ride The Waves Through Your Tears, Don't Drown In Them...
There are times we all need to cry and it helps to release the pain we
are feeling, just be careful not to let the tears and pain consume
you.... tcc
There Will Come A Time In Your Life When You No Longer Deal With Your Abuse Through Tears And Tears
There will come a time in your life when you no longer deal with your abuse through fears and tears, you will be able to walk and talk with your head held high and strong. I am now able to talk about it without fears and tears. There are some however think I don't deal with it because I am not always upset over what happened to me, the think is that's wrong I have dealt with it and that is why I am able to not be in total fear and tears all the time. I spent years not dealing with the sexual abuse and domestic violence and I didn't handle it well it and it showed on my daily life and in raising my children. I was hurt, angry, bitter, resentful etc and then a few years ago my heart changed and I don't have to have those feelings daily, now that's not to say at times I don't still have to ask God not to let me start feeling those things again or if they are already there due to a trigger that set them off in my heart again. It took me years to get to that point and I don't ever want to go back to that point even if it means others think I have just swept it under the rug. I have seen my sexual abusers when out in public over the years and I now can stand strong and not run and hide every time
as I once did. tcc
as I once did. tcc
Monday, August 26, 2013
Just Because You Can't See Your Dreams In The Natural Yet, Doesn't Mean You Still Can't Obtain Them...
If you are struggling to see what God has planned for you and you feel it isn't within reach, then I ask you read these scriptures and rethink it. Our dreams are still possible even if it means they take longer. Don't give up on your dreams even if they seem unattainable, God is a one who makes the impossible, possible, if we just have faith the size of a mustard see and if we believe without doubting.. Dreams have no age limit and no expiration...
Matthew 17:20
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Matthew 19:26
But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you. say's the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil..to give you a future and a hope..
Jeremiah 33:3
Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.
Hab. 2:3
For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
Heb. 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Rom. 4:17
As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.
Matthew 17:20
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Matthew 19:26
But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think towards you. say's the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil..to give you a future and a hope..
Jeremiah 33:3
Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.
Hab. 2:3
For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
Heb. 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Rom. 4:17
As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.
It Shouldn't Be A Competition
Are you in a relationship/marriage or have others that you are in competition with? The it's time to realize it shouldn't be a competition. So true for many years I felt I had to compete with other women when I was with someone, then one day I realized there should be no competition, because if he loved me I would be the only one and I wasn't. This also goes for others in your life not just a spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. We shouldn't have to compete opposite anyone nor for anyone's attention. So don't let yourself be a part of the competition with another nor for anyone's attention. Be who you are without trying to be everyone they want. Do be safe in all you do including getting out of a DV situation or even if DV isn't an issue still be safe if you are going to get out of any relationship/marriage be it for adultery or whatever the reason. Safety should always be first in any given situation...
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
You Are Not Alone
If you are a survivor of abuse you are not
alone there are thousands upon thousands who have been through it or are
still going through abuse. If you are still in an abusive situation
then I urge you to make a safe plan for escape asap, get a support
system going before hand and do not let your abuser know you are even
thinking of leaving. Safety first for you and your children should they
be with you.
Not All Survivors Of Abuse Are Just Women ( Some Men Are Abused As Well)
Not enough is said to open others eyes that here is a percentage of men who are actually the abused and not the abuser. Many times they are too ashamed o step forward because being a man society has made them feel they are less than a man if they are being abused by a woman. Men and women alike feel less about themselves because society tells them they are weak, stupid, crazy for being with someone who is abusive, when it's not about that, it's about control, the abuser having control of their emotions, their self worth (the abuser leaves them feeling they have no self worth), it's about fear not only of the abuser but in many cases of being alone. now I realize many are sitting there saying WHAT? How can they be afraid of being alone when they are being abused, well many abusers convince the person that they are not worthy of anyone else love, that no one else would want them, that they are hair brained (as in my case that was one of the many things I was told) etc. Do not look at those in an abusive relationship as stupid, but as human who feel prey to an abusers smooth talking in the beginning to his foul verbally assaulting mouth to his physically assaulting hands. You can never fully understand it unless you have been there. I know first hand, because I was there myself, not with just one man but with two who were physically/mentally/emotionally abusive and others who were mentally/emotionally abusive, etc... So if you see someone in an abusive relationship don't judge them whether they are a man or woman, instead offer to help if you can. If they refuse don't take it that they like being abused and in that situation, rather take it as they are not mentally ready yet to get out. Sadly many wait til it is too late. Many men and women are abused daily.. It's in my opinion almost at epidemic proportions now for both. tcc
Friday, August 23, 2013
You Are Not Your Past
Your
past doesn't define you, how you are dealing with that past can make or
break you. If we dwell on our bad choices they will consume us. Our
choice to be with those who hurt us. Now that's not to say that their
abusing us was our fault , because it wasn't. We choice to stay with
them whether out of fear of retaliation from them via more abuse or
death, whether it was because they convinced us we
deserved what we got from them, that they convinced us we weren't good
enough for anyone else that no one else would want damaged goods. Well I
am here to tell you e are not damaged goods, because we are not a
commodity, we are human beings and we have the right to expect respect
in spite of our choices and our past situations. People will stop
beating us up with their hands once we leave, however there are others
who will continue to beat us up with their words if we continue to allow
them to. We can choose to listen to their harsh words or we can choose
to tell them that what you say to others about me I cannot put a stop
to, but what you say to me I can put a stop to by refusing to allow them
to continue it. We have a choice we can stay and listen or we can
refuse to. When we have made a change for the better then our past is
just that the past. Stand proud (not arrogantly) stand firm, (not
rudely) stand strong, (not bitter) and you will see and feel a
difference in yourself even of others refuses to see it. tcc
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Abuse Comes In Many Forms
Abuse comes in many forms some inflicted by
others and some inflicted by ourselves as in my case over eating due to
trauma in my life. I had to realize that although others may be a part
of the reason they are not an excuse for me to over eat.
I did it as a comfort, not because I was actually hungry. Are we bad
and disgusting people for emotional eaters? I say no, we are a hurting
people and once we learn to move forward we will grow emotionally and
less physically from over eating. Now if you are working on this and
find you still at times binge, please don't beat yourself up emotionally
over it. Keep moving forward. Don't starve yourself either. I don't
diet, I just try not to overeat, have I still done that at times when
stress hits, yes I have, however I don't do it every time I am stressed
now. See my progress at
http://tchristi41.blogspot.com/ I will be updated as I can.
http://tchristi41.blogspot.com/ I will be updated as I can.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Words vs Physical Assualts
Both verbal and physical assaults hurt and they can both cause a lifetime of pain, however we must choose to live as survivors of both and not as victims of them. I speak from experience as I am a survivor of both and after years of living as a victim of my past hurts both verbal and physical I have finally been able to learn to live a survivor and I am now living through my past and not living in it. These attacks can come for many different reasons and from the same or different people, sexual assault as a child and/or an adult, etc. Do not allow the abuse to define you... tcc
See Your Changes Even If Others Refuse Too See Them...
There will be times in your life when others refuse to see the pain you've gone through in life (be it physical and/or emotional) and to see how hard you have worked to change yourself and the bad choices you've made over the years. It doesn't make what you've done to change any less valuable. Don't allow the negative words/actions of others keep you from moving forward with the changes you are making in your life. Do your best to be your best. Keep doing your best to do what is right...
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Survivors Like Us....
Who are survivors like us? They are anyone who have been abused on any level and who have survived abuse and other obstacles and challenges in their lives, such as childhood sexual abuse, domestic abuse, mental/emotional abuse, bullying (which is also abuse), depression, anxiety, panic attacks and obesity (which can be self abuse at times when not a medical issue) just to name a few. We have to remember we must not live our lives as victims but rather as survivors. yes the moment something horrible happens in our lives such as the above we are victims, however we must choose to not live as such, but to rather pull ourselves up out of that pit and move forward in our lives in spite of what statistics show. We must not let our abuse define, but us rather we must define it and show others we can make it in spite of the challenges and pain we have gone through. We must hold our heads high with pride, but not with arrogance, we must remain humble and compassionate rather than bitter and angry. We and survivors like us must take control of the pain and not allow it to control us. It isn't always easy and it too me many years to let go of it and be able to realize I am not who my abusers said I was and neither is anyone who has been bused. We can use our past hurts as a clear and present tool to help others who have or are still going through abuse, bullying, obesity etc. Know that you can become more than a victim you can like me and others like me be a survivor...I have in my lifetime endured at one time or another all of the above I have listed, so I know first hand the pain and trauma those things can bring to our lives. I know the endless nights of crying and feeling unworthy of better. I know the emotional pain of feeling you deserve what the abuser hands out to you be it physical or verbal. I know the feeling of thinking I am disgusting due to my self abuse via my weight gain when I was 350 pounds. I didn't see it as that at the time of course, but I feel God has opened my eyes to many things I didn't see about myself before, both good and bad and that I do deserve to be treated better. So stand up for yourself and don't deny the bad about you as well as the good. Change what needs to be changed and hold on to the good that doesn't. No matter who we are no one deserves any kind of abuse. If you feel you could yourself be abusive then please step away from the person or situation til you know you have your anger in control, it may not be a deliberate anger or abuse it may be that you raise your voice more than you now you should or that you say things you never thought you would, but it came out anyway, whatever the reason remove yourself safely and gain control. Remember not everyone who raises their voices or says something they regret is abusive, they may just need to step back for a time. You must stop blaming yourself for the abuse you endured even if others blame you by saying, Well you got what you deserved because you stayed, or they said, Well, you must have done or set something to set him/her off, etc the list of blame on the victim/survivor goes on and on, but you can cut them off in a polite manner and stop listening to such things. yes it is best to get out if you can safely and I dare to say there are times the person is to blame for being in the situation if they have left the person and then returned to them not out of fear of retaliation but out of fear of being alone. I was like that until 2007 when I finally broke away and stayed away from a marriage of domestic violence that nearly cost me my life and that have cost my children theirs (when I was with their then step-dad). Please if you are in a marriage/relationship of domestic violence and want to get away, do not let the abuser know that you are leaving him/her, instead make a safe plan, get a support group of family/friends to help you make arrangements for a safe place for you and your children if you have any. Be careful. Now if you are fighting weight then that is a battle within yourself that you can and will win if you do not give up.I have lost over 150 and I am still not at my goal but I am not at my past weight either which as stated earlier was 350 pounds. Keep telling yourself that you can do this and then keep trying. I am not a Dr nor a counselor, I am just a woman who has gone through a lot including all of the above listed and survived and who can now smile and laugh more than I cry and I now know that I deserve better than any abuse I have gone through and so do you. This page is for both men and women because many do not realize that many men are living in a life of abuse where they are the victims and not the abusers. So lets unite as one to encourage one another no matter our sexual gender. By Teresa Causey-Christian
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