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Sunday, September 15, 2013

You Can Become A Survivor Of Your Victimization

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, domestic abuse, emotional/mental abuse and self abuse and for nearly 2 1/2 years my children and I were homeless when they were younger (they are all now grown) via severe obesity at one time I was 350 pounds and I have lost 156 pounds so far. I lived as a victim long after I was victimized because I didn't know how to deal with what had happened and because some felt it shouldn't bother me, well let me tell you did bother me and did hurt and it did bring down my own self esteem and it made me feel dirty and ashamed, but now I use all those feelings I used to have as a basis strength. How can I do that you may ask. Well I even though the memories of what happened never leave me they no longer control me, I no longer feel dirty and ashamed for what they did to me, I now can say what they meant to weaken me has now made me stronger in many ways with God's help. God has given me the courage to speak out about it and to use it to help others locally say in those I meet on the streets, in stores, in church etc and my hope it so be able to become a public speaker on these things giving God the glory for bringing me through those times to help others. I would also like to write books encouraging others by my stories to know that they can become a survivor and stop living as a victim when they are strong enough. We can use our past pains as stepping stones to get to happier times in our lives. Many things in my life affected me for many years in my relationships and in raising my children which in also affected my children because I was sad, bitter and angry at what happened to me as a child and as an adult and I became so depressed and that and my attitude affected my children, then I married a man who was an abuser. The abuse didn't start right away, it was gradual with mental and emotional abuse which later evolved into him going to kill me. I got away but then 6 months later he convinced me he had changed and I fell for it all and married him not a good choice at all. That affected my children in a way they should have never been affected and it has strained our relationship with my younger two due to my relationship with him at the time. It took me years to realize that I cannot love someone enough to make them a good, loving and kind person they either want to be that or they don't but we can't help them when they don't want the help.I never wanted my children hurt in any way from my choices of being with him or anything else yet it has hurt them and hurt our relationship and that is my fault not anyone else. I love my children more than words can say and I am sorry that my choices had such negative affects on them and as much as I wish I could change my bad past choices in who I allowed in my and my children's lives, but I can't  and even though I have tried to make up for them and to my children I have come to realize that I can't make it up and that is heartbreaking. My hope is that someday soon my children can forgive me. I have apologized to them and have done my best the past several years to make better choices. Abusers fault vs my fault is that my childhood sexual abuse I had no control over however my obesity I had a choice but wasn't strong enough to make the right choice for a long time. The depression was the apart of me that couldn't deal with what had happened to em as a child and as an adult and that is something God is helping me with, oh there are days I feel sad and cry still but those days are not as often as they were. God finally gave me the strength 6 years ago to leave my then husband (my children's step dad) since then it has been me and God. I want you to know that you can become a survivor and not have to be down trodden and beaten physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise. You don't have to inflict pain upon yourself because of your choices or others choices concerning you, that you can stand up for yourself and respect yourself even when others don't respect you because they won't let go of the past and use it for good rather than to use it as a bad reminder of what you've gone through. I am here if you need to talk on the open page or privately inbox. God is there even when others aren't around always remember that. When I am feeling overwhelmed or unsure of things, God always brings these scriptures to my remembrance. He first one reminds me that He said He will work all things for the good, so that includes the good, the bad, sad and hurtful things, so when I know that no matter what I am going through He already has it worked out. The second one tells me that He already knows His plans for me for good and not evil. The third one tells me that when I call out to Him that He will will show me great and mighty things I never could imagine as does the fourth it also tells me that my dreams can still be reached when the time is right. The fifth one shows me that faith and hope go hand in hand that you can't have one without the other and that even though we don't see the end results of our prayers He will answer and give us an answer whether the answer is yes or no and that even when the answer is yes I may have to wait a little while for it. Look at Jacob the angel fought 21 days to get through but he made it. tcc  Rom. 8:28 Jer 29:11 Jer. 33:3 Hab 2:3 Heb. 11:1

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